“Your fear is that J doesn’t find you sexually attractive, and your defence is that loads of other men have, so you look for suggestions as to why that might be true: ie, he must be gay,” he said. I wonder where you learned that a man “wanting you” was defined by “consistent and often unwanted” advances rather than the “tender, affectionate and caring” man you are with at the moment? I consulted Murray Blacket, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist ( ). However, before you do anything drastic, you may want to look at things a bit differently. You have a hunch that something isn’t right, and that’s worth listening to: if you don’t feel desired in a sexual relationship it can be utterly demoralising (I get dozens of letters about this every week), and there’s no reason to put up with this if that’s what is happening, or if this is how the relationship makes you feel. I am very troubled and need to know if he wants me. He mentioned early on that he separates “sexual desire” or “sex” from “emotional connection”, which left me aghast: the feeling of being in love, for me, is deeply bound up with sexual and emotional intimacy. When I raised the idea that he might not be sexually attracted to me, he flipped out, saying I lacked tact.
